Good evening, misadventure Farewell morality It’s time for another risky venture Into the depths of depravity So wrap your arms around me And melt into my soul And let your love surround me Goodbye self-control! Wait, what’s this? Who’s this angel in our midst As I feel my intestines twist I am filled with this greed, so obscene Draws my eyes Like my pupils are magnetised And all at once, to my surprise I am caught up in your tractor-beam So let the games begin As the Romeos start to spin Like a circling dorsal fin Strikes the fear of the Gods into me But hey-ho Sink my dregs and here we go After all you never know Maybe someone is watching over me But wait! ‘Cause she’s just another dirty little urchin child Pirouetting gently in the light Cranking out a chemically affected smile Saying “Be one of us tonight” Oh, you swine You’ve got my brain caught on your line Lightning crackles up my spine Feel the waves of your charm soaking me But oh yes Here come the words that will impress But my tongue won’t acquiesce It just stuck in my throat, choking me I’m drowning in these lurking perversions Hurled from Hades, out for the night For we are naught but servants and serpents Curled round the ladies, waiting to bite So scoop me up in your arms, so tender Cloak me in your evil embrace Steal my brain ‘til I can’t remember Each inconsequential disgrace And in the darkness I scream and howl To feel your grandeur surround me And through the shadows I sneak and prowl I’m bewitched and oh, so profoundly. So pardon me for waxing Oh, so tense and unrelaxing But your gay abandon’s maxing me out So keep on theorising Wantonly philosophising I’m in love without a shadow of a doubt And she’s just another dirty little urchin child Pirouetting gently in the light Cranking out a chemically affected smile Saying “Be one of us tonight” ‘Cause she’s just another dirty little urchin child Pirouetting gently in the light Cranking out a chemically affected smile Saying “Be one of us tonight”

It’s freaking, it’s freaking, it’s freaking me out Oh look, you’ve lost the plot again Just like I knew you would If you’re an angel in disguise Then, I must say, it’s pretty good It’s like you’re a ticking time-bomb With two seconds on the clock And I bet that dear old Lucifer Would shoo you from his flock And I’m feeling that any moment you might hit the ceiling And it’s freaking me out So pipe down and put the shovel and the shiny lead pipe down ‘Cause it’s freaking me out Well I see your brows a-grumbling Like two storm clouds in the east Like the hungry stirring eyes And twitching tail of the beast Well, the demon’s edging closer And I stand here, all perturbed And I think we can agree You seem to be slightly disturbed I’m feeling that any moment you might hit the ceiling And it’s freaking me out So pipe down and put the shovel and the shiny lead pipe down ‘Cause it’s freaking me out By candlelight I see a face in the night And it’s adorned with a cutthroat scowl And undoubtedly it’s come to tangle with me So like lightning I throw in the towel But despite my submission I feel a premonition That the nightmare’s just begun And as my blood goes cold I see the claws unfold That’s it, my darling. I’m done It’s freaking, it’s freaking, it’s freaking me out And I’m feeling that any moment you might hit the ceiling And it’s freaking me out So pipe down and put the shovel and the shiny lead pipe down ‘Cause it’s freaking me out It’s disturbing how the fuse on the missile’s burning And it’s seeking me out So pipe down and put the shovel and the shiny lead pipe down ‘Cause it’s freaking me out It’s freaking, it’s freaking, it’s freaking me out

I’d save you from this dragon if I could, my love But the tower is way too high I’ll place you in the arms of a hero darling and cry If you gave me a shovel I would build you a home If I knew the first thing about it But right now my foundations are starting to groan Held together with paper and spit And as the walls are crumbling I am tumbling to the ground And I can’t do anything about it So give me the keys and I’ll wait outside and smoke myself into a hole Weep and freak out as the timbers creak out of control And if there were a way I would take you away But it seems this complaint has waylaid us A million miles from the faraway isles And the drunken misfortunes that made us And as the light’s despairing I am tearing at my skin And I can’t do anything about it So now I’ll retreat into childish conceit and regress ‘til I’m mentally five And I won’t take a breath until you’re sat on my left and we drive But for now I’ve no peace and a million seconds Tick-tocking away in my brain And my chest won’t release until we’re locked up again In our magnificent minaret, miles away And as the shadows are creeping I am weeping in the crowd And I can’t do anything about it No, I can’t do anything about it And I can’t do anything about it I can’t do anything about it

Well, it’s nighttime And the streetlights glow upon a nightmare, citywide When up walks the princess, a virginal beau With make-up so crudely applied And lo, he came a creeping like a great white shark Resplendent in his voguish attire And if she is the gunpowder he is the spark A really quite dishonourable squire And with one great rush there comes a big hot flush Tiptoeing up her chest and her cheeks And he’s revelling in the sweet aroma of sin Because desperation reeks So beautiful boy, she’s yours to destroy What’s that in the distance? It’s evil ahoy So beautiful boy, prepare to deploy Your lecherous demons. They’re jumping for joy Now swing! And he’s reeling her in With oodles of treacherous charm Wide-eyed, she’s engulfed by his grin And eyes that scream, “Babe, I’ll do you no harm” And she’s shot down by his amorous gun She’s blinded by the light of his teeth The seduction’s accomplished before it’s begun ‘Cause here comes the rumbling, the rumbling beneath And here it comes. She succumbs to his movingly perverse techniques And with one little wink he goes to drink in the stink Because desperation reeks So beautiful boy, she’s yours to destroy What’s that in the distance? It’s evil ahoy So beautiful boy, prepare to deploy Your lecherous demons. They’re jumping for joy Slinking round the back, you are the greatest of your kind Snared her with your villainy, so smooth and refined Running around with the devil on your mind You scrumpled up your scruples boy and left them behind Here we go. Into the night And you’re grooving like an amorous hound You soak her with gin then come a-rumbling in Because desperation, desperation, desperation Woah! Beautiful boy, she’s yours to destroy What’s that in the distance? It’s evil ahoy So beautiful boy, prepare to deploy Your lecherous demons. They’re jumping for joy Oh, you glamorous man. It’s going to plan Your sweet little lamb act is nought but a sham So do your philandering just ‘cause you can Because desperation, desperation, desperation reeks

There’s a bad man jabbering, hammering Clawing at the castle door I’m inside with my eyes open wide And I can’t take this anymore Butterflies in my belly, I’m quivering like a jelly It’s a veritable Sturm Und Drang But the man in the yard slams his fist back hard And the doors open up with a bang And the loud noise wakes up Daddy The trunk of the family tree He comes to the door and says “Oh, my laddie! You’ll wish you’d never messed with me.” And he said, “Sonny, get my knuckleduster ‘Cause I refuse to stand for this So get thee from my presence, buster Or feel the steel clutched in my fist So tremble fiend, and tremble rightly For I beat creeps like you for fun For I am old, but boy I’m sprightly So get my knuckleduster, son. But the bad man chuckles with the drink And just stays there, standing his ground Poor guy. He should just say goodbye But he must be new in town ‘Cause round here all the people shake with fear Because my Daddy is a frightening man They know well that if my Daddy tells you to jump You jump as high as you can So you’d better gear up for some action You’re dancing with disaster tonight For I anticipate a reaction And Papa’s anticipating a fight And he said, “Sonny, get my knuckleduster ‘Cause I refuse to stand for this So get thee from my presence, buster Or feel the steel clutched in my fist Of all the arms at my disposal On you I wouldn’t waste my gun So get ready for an ending, so ignoble And get my knuckleduster, son Oh yeah And he said, “Sonny, get my knuckleduster ‘Cause I refuse to stand for this So get thee from my presence, buster Or feel the steel clutched in my fist For I am the jury and the judge, you weasel And I won’t stop until my task is done So prepare for a different paradigm of evil And get my knuckleduster, son.

Calm thee down, you heathen child And leave the world behind Your ceaseless, woeful blubbering Is causing havoc behind my eyes And I need some peace and solitude On this, my lonely quest So give your monstrous mithering a rest. I’m off to dual with demons, boy I’m off to fight a war I’m setting off to see them off They won’t annoy you anymore And I’ll do it for the fatherland Or something. I don’t know So grant me some tranquillity for an hour or so. Evil hordes fall at my hand Folk shall know my name across the land Upon this hill we make our stand So pipe down, heathen, slow your breathing child, can’t you understand? Calm thee down, vile serpent child And cease your morbid song My temperament is fraying And I’m sure it won’t last very long And I’m dying for some quietude On this, my lonely quest So do not put my patience to the test. Oh, and I’m quivering with anger as my temperature climbs higher This short abomination is engendering my ire There are cannons in the distance And the screams of those I fear So quell your exclamations, because my retribution’s drawing near… Evil hordes fall at my hand Folk shall know my name across the land Upon this hill we make our stand So pipe down, heathen. Slow your breathing, child. Can’t you understand? Oh… no.

Met her round the back of the old Bear-bating pit Drinking gin as though your life depended on it She said that “That’s my tipple son, but it don’t mean a lot to me.” She said, “There ain’t no future in choosing life that I can see.” So we kissed upon the hilltop and we danced through the night I guess that you could say that it was love at first bite But I was seeing double, Hey presto! A poor man’s ménage a trois. And in the pale dawn drizzle I slurred my lovesick au revoir. And then you sloped off to the bar ‘Cause you’re my gin-soaked lady My single-serving baby I loved it when you said you were mine One night of drunken drama With my Teflon-coated mama And ever-after Dear, my heart is thine Was there ever a young master as enamoured as I? I sauntered round the hamlets with a glint in my eye And as the menfolk cackled, my heart lay shackled on the floor So I’ll bid farewell to these non-starters and head back to my inamorata’s door But you’ll never guess the spectacle that greeted my eyes It was my lady with some other lonely lad between her thighs And my wedding plans were smashed amidst the bedding that they trashed, so readily So you can find another guy to wallow in your sty instead of me But I’m joking, babe ‘Cause you’re my gin-soaked lady My single-serving baby I loved it when you said you were mine One night of drunken drama With my Teflon-coated mama And ever-after Dear, my heart is thi-i-i-iiiine, Oh yeah! You’re my Circe, my Boudicca, my Juliet, my Jane So damnably devoted to the grape and to the grain And while I’m truly overjoyed that we could play this little game I’m sure that come the dawn you’ll have forgotten my name So to you, beautiful maiden, I extend my good thanks And wearily consign you to the memory banks And with a wink and a leer I attempt to steer myself home To spend the next ten days just gazing melancholic at the phone But it won’t ring, babe ‘Cause you’re my gin-soaked lady My single-serving baby I loved it when you said you were mine One night of drunken drama With my Teflon-coated mama And ever-after Dear, my heart is thine And though the tale is rather frightful The cocktails were delightful Of pain, fun, gin, rum, whiskey and wine

I set out from my bunker with four warriors in tow Away across the killing ground a-marching we did go Our minds were bent on sabotage and espionage and lo Away across the killing ground a-marching we did go We reached a burnt-out shell hole, whereupon we made our beds And in night’s tender cradling arms we laid our weary heads As darkness held us tight in myriad obsidian threads Our lives were set upon a course that every soldier dreads For fate was feeling fell that night and while we gently slept A slimy serpent from our midst across the wasteland crept He stood upon the precipice and breathlessly he leapt Into the waiting arms of treachery. Our guardian angels wept For months we’d battled, side by side, amidst the grizzled fold And in his chipped and wizened heart such avarice took hold That our lives were pawned for lucre, and with that our souls were sold And with his words he damned us all for want of traitor’s gold I awoke amidst a most disturbing tumult Amongst the bodies of those in my keep And smarting from this most perturbing insult I solemnly began to shake and weep But starting from this most abrupt reaction My heart reformed to granite in my chest It was not a time for sadness, more for action. My soul would know revenge before its rest. Through the noise and cloying mud, soaked in guilty wasted blood I crawled the lonely mile, shuddering with enmity The cannons boomed their harsh reveille as all around me such decay Such monumental disarray abounded mightily My thoughts were wrung with cruel intent, such vile sinful sentiment And though my breath was all but spent I pressed on doggedly The scent of death and burning hair jangled through the fetid air And by the light of a signal flare I spied my enemy You took what remains of my heart You forced me down and watched me cry Now all that remains for my part Is vengeance on my mind. It will thrill me to watch you die Upon a log he blithely sat, the scheming little sewer rat I cursed the pair that e’er begat this vile corpse-to-be. And praying to the Gods beneath I stuck my dirk betwixt my teeth And drew my sabre from its sheath. It shimmered hungrily. With one outright almighty cry, directed at the blood-red sky I said “And now, foul shade, you die!” and my heart was filled with glee He turned and quivered like a child, this worthless man that I reviled And at his anguish I just smiled a grin of mastery As fear chilled him to the bone, he loosed a final piteous groan I took my sword and drove it home and cried victoriously You took what remains of my heart You forced me down and watched me cry Now all that remains for my part Is vengeance on my mind. It will thrill me to watch you die His fellows, sleeping all around, as one rose as he hit the ground And like a vicious pack of hounds they took their blades to me It seemed as though my fate was sealed upon this broken bloody field So I screamed out, behind my shield, my last soliloquy. “Mark my words, and mark them well, foul devil in the depths of hell With my final ragged yell, I give my soul to thee."

Storm clouds abound in the land of my heart And the war-cries fly from the company But I have seen no quarter, my love In the gaping maw of the enemy So get your head down and go We’ll run away and start again Forget it, it’s too late for them They didn’t heed the warning shot While evil stole across the land Their heads were buried in the sand And now, my dear, I’m all you’ve got So sing for the fallen And dance for the damned We’ll carve out their tale On every heart in the land So take my hand and we’ll leave tonight We won’t look back until we’re out of sight So get your head down and go We knew that all this fun and games Was another big fib to hide the chains And now that façade has slipped But I’m not content to waste my time On this grisly old assembly line So come on and crack that whip And hung from the rafters The stratagem swings Born from the ashes Of counterfeit kings So take my hand and we’ll leave tonight We won’t look back until we’re out of sight So get your head down and go Well I see with these old eyes of mine The fearsome shadow on the battle line That’s caught on the old barbed wire But my sword is sharp, my wits are keen I’m a brutal, tooled-up soft machine Infused with a righteous fire And while heroes may perish and armour may rust And the memories of life blow away with the dust I’ll gather you up in my tender embrace And whisper my love as we fly away from this place So take my hand and we’ll leave tonight We won’t look back until we’re out of sight Your heartbeat’s like thunder You feel so alive And while others are crumbling we shall survive So take my hand and we’ll run away tonight.

Hello, what’s this? Another little weekday evening kiss? Another little “nothing ever after”, nothing more? And lo, but no! What bliss Another jolly jaunt through the abyss Another little knock-me-out and roll me out the door By Christ, you are delectable So hop up on to this pedestal I’ll stick you up in pride of place And with that you wound your tentacles Around my lonely ventricles And drew me into your embrace And now, oh gosh, m’dear What the devil happened to my year? Another little digit on my lifespan, what a bore And what once was fresh and green Now marches in the ranks of the obscene This whole transfiguration thing is such a chore There was a time when men were hunters and kings Hewn from granite, clothed in vanquished skin But I am occupied by less valorous things Like macchiatos and feathered hair And just what brand of scent to wear And I’m miles past the point of giving in So don’t give me that look You know you’ve got me wriggling on your hook I am the ocean, clawing madly at your moon And with one wanton whoop I melt into a sycophantic soup And all that’s left to do is giggle, fawn and swoon Wait! Bugger this for a game of soldiers I’ll save the misery ‘til I get older So take your evil face away, okay? Hold your tongue. Stop that snarling And cease to darken my doorstep, darling I’ll herald your departure with a great big hip-hip (Hip-hip!) hooray So now I’m free of this Get these shackles off my wrists And show me something, show me anybody please Another flavour of the week Another bit of lipstick on the cheek And here we go, “Hello, floor. Have you met my knees?” There was a time when I would rush to decry Those specimens that grunt and beat their chests But now, my dear, the worm has turned and the truth is that I Am ready for damnation, soaked in shame and perspiration Oh, and baby, I am just like all the rest

I never cared much for enchanted things I though that I alone could see the strings And though I wish I couldn’t, that’s the truth And in a flash, and a puff of smoke As though it were some trifling little joke My sense of wonder vanished with my youth But let me tell you, boys and girls Inside my head this chasm has unfurled A dark void that’s filled with smoke and drink If I could only bend these bars And shoot out of the gutter into the stars Then that would be the best thing ever Don’t you think? But every day it’s just the same Stuck upon this bland corporeal plain Marching to and fro ad nauseam Forever weak and wondering In this lonely safe I’m plundering Are these the depths that I wish to plumb? But if I could only burrow through To some astounding parallel milieu Filled with such delight I couldn’t bear to blink Where I could let the firmament be And fly in the face of humdrum gravity Well, that would be the best thing ever Don’t you think? So I’ll click my fingers Reduce these walls to splinters And break out with a wail of ecstasy Swoop down and grab my lady And fly her off to safety And sit her on my cloud, right next to me And at my command The seas will rise and swallow up the skies And snow will land on desert sand, my dear And at my softly whispered call These ghastly prison walls will fall And that will be the best thing ever Whether we ever endeavour to weather the storm If only I could control the weather Then everything would be transformed It’d be so perfect, my lady and I My thunder and lightning would tear through the sky The laws of the universe would no longer apply And that would be the best thing ever Whether we ever endeavour to weather the storm If only I could control the weather…